Category Archives: Blogging

New Beginnings

This week my second son would have turned a year old.

Instead, I have a beautiful baby girl who’s just 11 weeks.

A handful of pictures and the feel of his tiny body fitting in the palm of my hand.

The mind doesn’t want to fit itself around the idea that if he had lived, the girl sleeping beside me would never have existed.

But they both exist. God knows the hairs on their heads and the number of their days. There is no alternate reality where we are blowing up balloons and wrapping presents and rejoicing in first steps. Jonah’s days only ever numbered in the dozens. And knowing that, God blessed me with him anyway.

I truly do mean blessed. I am not bitter, I am not angry, and while at times I wonder why, I know that there is never a good answer. It just is. He was perfect, he was growing, he was moving, he was ours. And then he was gone.

When last I was here, I didn’t even know I was pregnant. But I was. I would find out a week later while Jeff was away. The rest of my pregnancy will be another post. When I’m ready. I’m a little surprised to find that I’m not yet.

That time is from before. Before I became a woman of sorrows, acquainted with grief. Before life became so blatantly precarious.

Or perhaps precious is the word.

Yes. Precious. Blatantly, Glaringly, Wildly precious.

So here I am. Beginning anew. Starting fresh. So many things are in the process of changing, I don’t want to miss it.

The Rocket Scientist is heading off in a whole new direction. (Don’t worry, we’re going with him.)

Doodle is starting to learn. (At least in a more organized way.)

ZuZu is starting to talk. (Yes, it is a little late.)

We are all one day closer to my little Dove.

The Munchkin is just starting out.

And I? I am facing life in a whole new light. I have spent the last 8 years either trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, or getting over being pregnant so that I could get pregnant again. And now I’m done.

Huh.

Well, then.

I’m kind of excited to see what’s next!

Advertisements

Letters to the Rocket Scientist

I think I’ve mentioned that the Rocket Scientist isn’t really a rocket scientist, it’s just an inside joke.  There was supposed to be a link there to the post where I talk about that, but I can’t really remember where it is and I’m too tired lazy busy to go look for it.  Anyway, he’s really not.  He works on one of the experiments that runs out of Fermi National Lab outside of Chicago.  It turns out they think of him rather highly over there and want him to be an onsite supervisor for the next year.  Slight hitch. With our visa restrictions we can’t be out of the country for more than 90 days at a time and we must maintain a permanent residence here.  Translation? He’s going, we’re staying. 90 days gone, 2 weeks back.  At least that’s the idea.  currently, we’re on a trial month to see if the back and forth is doable.  Jury is still out, but it will likely go ahead.  We’ll talk more later on how I feel about that, it may surprise you.  Or it may not, whatever, we’re taking bets.

During my Mumsy’s surprise visit, she gave me a beautiful embossed leather journal and I thought it would be the perfect way to keep track of all the little daily foibles that I want to share with the Rocket Scientist.  Trouble is, I keep forgetting what I’ve told him and what I’ve written.  It’s all very confusing.  So every now and then you will get inundated with posts as I transfer some of them to my blog.  If you see one that’s private, that’s because it’s private.

And of course if you don’t particularly care about all the boring bits, feel free to skip them, they’ll be labelled Letters. Then again, it’s not like I’m writing anything else these days.

I’m a Winner!!

Okay, so it was a while ago, but still.  I was really hoping I would win this one.  I don’t often respond even though I always check out the prompt.  And this one, I felt needed a shot of reality.  Or at least my reality.  Everyone else’s responses seemed so, cerebral.  I won on August 10th (only just noticed) for the prompt of Books (what would the books on your shelves say if they could talk).  And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, go check out CBeth’s fun little daily creativity shot.  I won on this day.

And in other news.  Did I mention I need an iPad?  I think I did.  Did I mention why?  Of course I did.  And for further evidence I submit to you my absence of…12 whole days.  …   Is that all?  It feels like longer.  I was pretty sure I was going to go look and it would be like a month and a half.  It’s very strange, the passage of time.  It seems like it took only a few days for ZuZu to get to ‘almost 3 months’ but it’s taken forever to get from that point to ‘just over 3 months’.  It’s been a very exciting time, though.  Doodle is suddenly talking a blue streak (and to think, before ZuZu came along I was voicing my concerns over his lack of speech to our Health Visitor), I am able to pump and leave the house for short stretches of time, I had to pack away the first batch of ZuZu’s clothes (I will admit there were some tears shed but I won’t tell you whose they were) (okay, they were mine), The Rocket Scientist went off to Chi-town for a collaboration meeting, and Grammie came for a visit.  The Rocket Scientist is back and Grammie is still here (although she is making a short side trip this weekend to Paris to see an old friend).

I have thoroughly enjoyed having my Mum here and it made my dear husband’s absence a bit more bearable.  I love watching my kids enjoy their Grammie so much, I really hope they have as good a relationship with her as I had with mine.  It has been nice to have someone to share in all the screams for attention cries for help whining and fussing hugs and cuddles.

Oh! Other milestones: ZuZu is now rolling over and she graduated from her cocoon in our most awesome Phil & Ted’s pushchair to her own chair.

I’m still waiting for her to laugh.  I can’t wait to hear her sweet little voice laughing.

What’s that?  You can’t see her very well?  Here let me try to fix that for you:

Can’t believe my baby girl’s 6 months already!!

Okay, so she’s not really, but I figure with how long it takes me to finish posts I should start this one now.

I mean really! It’s ridiculous.  I have a draft that’s been under construction for two weeks now and it has two paragraphs and a picture.  Ridiculous.

So what’s been happening that’s kept me so busy?  Honestly?  I can’t exactly remember.  No really.  I had a friend over for lunch on Monday (Monday, mind you) and she asked me how our weekend went.  I just stared at her and blinked.  Could. not. remember.  It’s not like we just pottered around the house.  We had guests!  Friends from back in Canada that we hadn’t seen in, like, 6 years.  And we took no pictures.  It’s like ZuZu came along and we completely forgot we had a camera.  She’s going to think she’s adopted.

So what has been happening?  Let me think.  After the hellfire caves we went back for more jousting (that’s the post under construction and there are actually pictures).  Then I got food poisoning on Tuesday and spent the rest of the week looking suspiciously in food’s direction and then doing something else instead.  Let me say this, when you don’t eat but you keep producing sustenance for a growing baby, you get a little shaky.  Poor Doodle had another week of indoor activities.  Fortunately he has rediscovered his train tracks so there was something for him to do, but it was rough going.

Then of course was the weekend of guests which was very fun.  (I promise! I don’t know why I didn’t remember!)  We took them into town and got caught in a torrential downpour.  We had YO!sushi and got them lost in a Saxon Hedge Maze and wished they could have stayed with us longer.  I never realized there was such a distinct Albertan accent, especially for men.  It was like having my family in the living room with me chatting away.  Very comforting.  Hard to put into words.

Then this past week was my birthday.  I am 35.  Yeah.  Still processing how I feel about that.  It’s honestly not as bad as I expected.  Life is pretty cool right now.  And of course having a mini holiday in the middle of the week for your birthday helps to soften the blow.  My wonderful husband took us to Cardiff.  We have wanted to go there since we moved here.  We stayed a short walk from the Doctor Who exhibit and the site of the Torchwood HQ (can I just say how unimpressed I am that they’re moving the series to LA?  Really. REALLY.  Unimpressed.).

But I don’t really want to tell you all about it because I really do want to give these things their own individual posts.  I also want to write out ZuZu’s birth story and some of the things that happened during my long silence.  Lot’s of good stuff happened.  My mom came over for 3 weeks at Christmas, we spent two weeks in South Africa, Doodle turned two, Jeff’s parents came over for a month.  And it’s not just because I think you’re all out there dying to know all about our various comings and goings.  It’s because I want to remember.  Or if not remember, be able to read about all the things I don’t remember.  When I was moving this blog over from blogspot, I went through my old posts to make sure everything was working right (I know there are glitches I’m just not entirely sure what to do about them yet), I read about all kinds of stuff that I don’t remember.  Like the fact that Doodle wasn’t sleeping through the night until after his first birthday.  How does one forget something like that?  I find myself wishing I’d written more about it because I don’t remember what we did, what worked, what didn’t.  What if it happens that way again?  It’ll be like starting all over.  All our experience will be lost.  That’ll suck!

So, yeah, I need to write all this stuff down just so I don’t forget, or so that I can remind myself.

Or at least believe myself even if I don’t exactly remember it.

And so that ZuZu won’t think she’s adopted.

Umm….yeah….

You know when you mean to call someone, but you put it off and put it off and it gets later and later and you think of all the reasons you can give as to why it took you so long to call but the longer you leave it the more pathetic those excuses seem and you don’t really want to face it so you put it off some more…yeah, it’s kinda like that.

I seem to only be able to blog when things are pretty much going okay.  When I get overwhelmed by stuff or long buried crap comes up I seem to just kind of shut down and don’t want to really talk to anyone.  Apparently including all my bloggy friends.  And there a few of you out there that I do consider friends, or at least friends in the making.  I wish I could say life’s just been busy but I it hasn’t.  I can’t even say that I haven’t had much to say lately but there’s been a ton of crap running around inside my head, but none of it wants to come out.  It just all sounds pathetic and self-serving to me.

Even this I didn’t want to write, but either I am going to keep up with this blogging thing or I’m not and I have missed it.  I do have a lot of non-crappy things that I could have blogged about but I seem to not be able to do fluff when life isn’t feeling fluffy.

Most of you, I’ve kept up with, I just haven’t had much to say in the way of comments either.  I’ll be back soon, I’m sure.  Just a little note to say I’m not dead.

Friends in the Blogosphere

Last week a friend of mine joined me in the blogosphere. Now she’s been writing forever and has had a blog or two in her time, but this particular blog is new. Go check her out, she has a way of looking at the everyday in a new way. I’m also thrilled because today, she quoted from my Mom’s book, ‘Who’s Flying this Plane’.

Hope you all have a good Sunday, and happy reading:

Out of the Extraordinary: Welcome to the family

Slices of Beauty

I came across this blog today. I think through Brit Gal in the USA. She just left a simple comment and I checked out her blog. She had collections of various photos depicting different kinds of beauty. I liked the posts I saw, she seemed to be drawn to very similar things as me as far as seeing beauty went. So I decided to follow her and see what else she came up with. Just some nice pictures to brighten up my day. And then this post came up:

Slices of Beauty…: A Greek Retreat + A Thank You…

There is now a new standard for beauty in houses as far as I’m concerned. A lot of people commented on Greece and wow wouldn’t I like to go there. I’ve been to Greece, it’s fine, but this house is beyond. Just the sense of cool, refreshing, calm that emanates from each picture, made my heart ache just a little.

If my Rocket Scientist is ever asking around for something that I might like for my birthday or Christmas or our anniversary, if he built me this house, he would never have to get me anything. ever. again. for as long as I lived. Which would be a really long time in such a peaceful place, let me tell you.