I was surprised by all the things I learned from my daughter. Before she was even born. I’ve been learning all sorts of uncomfortable truths from the very beginning of this pregnancy.
Firstly? I’m not quite the open book I believe myself to be. I mean, I had been figuring that out a little bit before, but it became very apparent once things got a little rough with this pregnancy. You’d think it would be relatively easy to unburden yourself to a bunch of people you don’t know on the internet, it should be cathartic, a release. What I found instead was that I couldn’t share what I was feeling with anyone, close or far. And I couldn’t talk (or type) without these fears/concerns/anxieties/issues coming to the surface. So I just didn’t type. Or talk really. I know, totally healthy, right? I should probably get that looked at. Again.
I also learned that if I were facing a serious long-term disability I would not deal with it well. At all. I developed something called SPD – Symphosis Pubis Disorder – which is apparently now PGP – Pelvic Girdle Pain – neither of which are particularly descriptive for the grinding pain in your hips with every step you take. I was on crutches by January and in a wheelchair by April. One thing to note, if you’re ever pushing someone around in a wheelchair, understand that their face is essentially ass-height to everyone else, so please, do not push them as close as you can to the person in front of them in any given queue. Also, those little foot rests stick out farther than you think (at least in the ancient model that I had on loan) and are really good at taking said person in front of you out at the ankles, prompting them to turn and give a dirty look at the person sitting. in. the. chair. Don’t get me wrong, I’m exceedingly thankful for the free loan of the wheelchair and for those that pushed me around on those flat tires, but I am a little scarred by the experience.
Perhaps the most surprising, and still the most difficult to talk about, is that I am a bit terrified of having a girl. I knew I was going to have a girl, from shortly after Doodle was born I had a feeling the next would be a girl. When we got pregnant the Rocket Scientist had a dream that it was a girl, then it was confirmed by ultrasounds and true panic set in. Things that never occurred to me with Doodle were suddenly keeping me up at night. Body image, medical problems, numerous and various issues. Totally healthy, right? I’ll add it to my list.
Also, I have no idea how I used to get so much done in a day. I distinctly remember taking on projects and being able to finish them in decent time. Even after Doodle was born. It’s like I got pregnant again and suddenly there were like 10 less hours in the day and I needed at least 10 hours of sleep, so let’s see *carry the three…* that leaves….ya, not enough to get anything done.
So, ya. All that added up to not going near my blog for almost 10 months. And now? Well, I am getting away with less sleep, there seem to be more hours in the day lately (still not convinced they add up to 24, but I live in hope), and I really am trying to work on those…issues. Thanks so much to those of you who asked after me. I look forward to sharing about our adventures in South Africa, my mom’s visit over Christmas, and of course the arrival of my precious ZuZu.