Today, finally, after planning and canceling for two weeks and postponing a third due to ‘half-term’, we made it to Monkey Music. It’s a program at the local rec centre for kids, different groups for different ages, that introduces them to music and rhythm using actions and dancing and simple instruments. We’d arranged a trial visit ages ago but then got sick, and then got sick again, and then the program took a week off. We almost missed it today, too, but the Rocket Scientist was wanting to go into work early so I was up earlier than usual. It was actually nice to fit a shower in before he left for the day (don’t. say. a. word.).
I must say, I had visions of what Doodle’s first haircut would be. One of those cute little shops where they have airplanes and cars for the kids to sit in. I imagined he would be fawned over and told how cute he was and what a big boy he was, there would be lots of squirming and maybe some screaming. I’ve seen the posts of this happening to other people’s kids. I was prepared, I would be there for moral support, snapping tons of pictures, trying not to laugh at his misery (cause he really is adorable when he’s upset) and then I would leave with a little boy in place of the baby that I took in. Ya, well that didn’t happen.
I am still sick, so is Doodle, but I have made it to the Dr. and I’m off to get some drugs today. I really am so done with being sick. I know I have had days when I’m not, but they seem like pinpricks in time on the days that I am sick. It’s been one thing after another since the beginning of December and I’m done. I quite. No more. The office is closed. We are not accepting any more applications. At least that’s what one person I know says is the key to being healthy…not accepting that you are sick. I wish. I’ll take the drugs please and hopefully I can keep myself rested and well-hydrated and start to build my immune system back up.
If I truly believe in the sovereignty of God and that His timing is perfect and that He has my days already recorded and mapped out and knows the beginning from the end and knew that Doodle would be and would be ours and when and also knows the fate of of any and all future children, then why, oh why, does that single line feel so devastating. It’s not like we’ve been specifically trying, charting, timing, waiting. But I’m late. Late even for me. And it’s not like I have any reason to believe that this time round will be any different than the last. Except that I’ve been back on the Mommy Boards over at Soulcysters and 4 (or is it 5 now) of the other women who were due with me last March are pregnant again. Without trying. One already delivered. Irish twins. Just like my Mom and Aunt. Do women without fertility problems feel such deep wounds over such a simple thing as a single pink line? I want to go rummaging through the waste bin to have one more look. Just to see if maybe, maybe, there’s a shadow that I missed, the last time it was so faint. Part of this is pride, I’ll admit it. I feel like I’ve paid my dues. Done my time. Shouldn’t have to go through that again (my heartfelt apologies to all my friends who went through so much more than me, I really do know how lucky I got off). This time, I wanted to feel like a normal woman. A woman who’s body hadn’t betrayed her. A woman who’s God hadn’t said ‘no’ again. Now I really do understand that this isn’t likely an actual ‘no’ but a ‘not right now’. And I understand that He has very good reasons for the ‘when’. But none of that sinks in tonight. Tonight things feel hollow. Distant. Tonight I feel empty.
I often give the Rocket Scientist a hard time when he’s sick because he makes sure everyone knows he’s sick and he never takes anything unless I remind him. I’m not a very good wife, not a lot of compassion when he’s sick, injured yes, sick no. I may have to be a bit nicer next time round. I’m sick. Again. I feel like I’ve been sick for months. Oh wait. I have. Granted lately I’ve had a few days of not being sick, but since Dec. 8th, I’ve definitely been sick more than I’ve been well. But I thought I was finally over with it! No such luck. I’m pretty sure it’s a sinus infection this time round and I’m miserable. We have no drugs in the house to take and I’m a whiny, miserable, sick person. Thank goodness the Rocket Scientist hasn’t gotten sick much at all these last couple months. Last night he actually got up with Doodle three times! The best part, Doodle only got up 3 times. Well, best in that I didn’t have to get up with him, not so great in that my little man had been doing much better and only waking once if at all during the night. I hope he’s not getting sick, too. So today I really do have to go into town and register with the medical clinic. I know, I know, I still haven’t and I’m still dumb. But today, really I will. Hopefully I’ll be able to see someone today, too and not have to go back in tomorrow. Hopefully my legs won’t fall off when I get back on the bike again. Hopefully other sore parts of my body won’t fall off either.
That’s right, you heard it here first, Doodle has taken his first solo steps. There are no pictures as yet because he first toddled out on his own while we were getting ready for bed on Friday night. We had been trying to convince him he could walk on his own because he will stand on his own and will walk beside you holding on to just your pant leg or finger but he would just get to excited and lean forward so when you let go of him, he just fell into waiting arms. Which he loved, it was a great game. So Friday night caught him quite by surprised and he wasn’t sure why all of a sudden Daddy was cheering and clapping and Mommy was squealing and crying (ya, that’s right, I had a tear or two, wanna make something of it?). He’s done it a couple times since, but then he gets so giddy he just goes back to running/falling forward. Once he figures out what he’s doing, I am so toast, he’ll be running within a week. I really hope the weather straightens up soon so I can send him out to the back garden (yard) and let him run around there.