Here we go

He’s leaving again. Only three weeks this time and it will go quickly for him, he’ll be very busy. But tonight as I sit here not wanting to go to bed so tomorrow doesn’t come just quite yet I don’t care how fast or slow it goes, I am realizing I just don’t want him to go. We have to be grownups and sacrificial and understand that sometimes we have to fore-go what we want now for a better life but every now and then I catch glimpses of the not-so-grownup me inside that just wants to cry and wail and demand this not be so. I realized sometime this week that he will be gone more than he will be home this next year and suddenly the air goes out of the room. By the time he’s back for good, Doodle will be turning 4 and we’ll be planning ZuZu’s 2nd birthday party. It’s those moments that I fear we’ve made a terrible mistake. But I have embraced the British way: Keep Calm Carry On. And I am very good at it.

the month from crazy

Why, oh why, did he have to go away on such a crazy month? I would say it was a test, but of what and by whom? It’s not like this was a missions trip or some command of obedience from On High. So why do I feel like we’ve been through the fire?

First of all, the kids were sick.  Both of them.  Twice.  First we had a lovely stomach flu go through the ranks, and the last few days it’s been a bad cold.  Doodle hasn’t had a stomach bug since we’ve been to the UK and there’ve been enough going around.  We’ve had colds, but never with both kids down with high fevers at the same time.  Silver lining?  I miraculously haven’t gotten even the slightest wave of nausea or sneeze.

Then was my Phil & Ted’s buggy.  I kid you not when I say that in one moment I was telling a friend of the wonderful things I love about my buggy and even though another friend has had several flat tyres and I kept a pump and tire goop with me at all times but have never had to use it and in the next I was trying to figure out why we were listing to one side so suddenly.  It was like I’d been struck by lightning.  We were on our way to a playgroup so I just lugged it with ZuZu still strapped in and spent most of the playtime trying to fix the tyre.  It didn’t work.  So got to lug it all the way to the other side of Summertown to a bike shop to find out they couldn’t fix it until tomorrow.  Some minor wailing and gnashing of teeth later and they had pity on me and fixed it while we waited.  Silver lining?  A new friend who came with me and watched the kids while I dealt with the bike shop lads for close to an hour.

Then there was my filling.  I only have one.  I think I’m doing pretty good to be…my age and only have one cavity, but it’s a doozy.  It was almost a root canal but when he had cleaned it all out there was a thin layer of enamel left so he just filled.  That was back in Canada.  It chipped there once and I had it fixed, a second time and I didn’t bother, no problems in Chicago, but then has chipped and been fixed a couple of times here.  This last time, it didn’t chip so much as shift and send an incredible amount of pain shooting through my tooth and jaw, then seemed fine, then did it again a week later.  So I decided to get it looked at.  The dentist decided that it needed to come out and put in an inlay so this doesn’t keep happening.  Made an appointment for a week later but didn’t really ask the details of what was to occur.  Turns out the digging out of my filling was not much less painful than the digging out of my tooth.  One massive needle to the jaw and one numb face later I was home feeling the worse for wear with a temporary filling and an appointment in two weeks to go through it all again to get the inlay.  Silver lining? This happened before ZuZu was a year so I’m covered under the NHS and  dear friend had already made plans to take the kids to the park for a couple of hours that day so I took a much needed nap.

Nap.  Yes.  That brings me to the topping on the cake.  ZuZu came home a good sleeper.  We spoke of it in hushed tones so as not to jinx it.  Once teething started, things got a little more interesting, but on the whole we didn’t suffer nearly as much as we did with Doodle.  All that has gone out the window this month.  At first she was too hot and couldn’t sleep.  Then the temperature dropped but it took me a few days to clue in and put her back in her sleep sack and so she didn’t sleep then either.  I got three nights at the beginning where she slept well and then three nights just before this last cold.  That’s it.  The rest of the time I have not gotten more than two consecutive hours in any given night.  It’s been rough.  I have no silver lining for that one.

In there was dealing with ants, internet issues, the freezer door not closing, my hips giving me problems, and all the day to day stuff.  That I was expecting, maybe not the ants, but the other stuff, the garbage and tantrums and baths and bedtime.  I appreciate all the support and encouragements, but I really didn’t feel like I was doing some major feat.  Women do this all the time, single moms (by choice or not), army wives, oil rig wives, a host of others.  I didn’t feel like it was asking too much of me, and I wasn’t alone.  I have some really awesome and supportive friends here and I’ve even made a new one during this month.  From Canada no less, my neck of the woods even, with a physicist husband, from the Rocket Scientist’s neck of the woods.  No kidding.  It was actually kind of creepy but we’re adjusting.

So here we are, the last full day without the Rocket Scientist.  The kids are still sick so we’ll be spending another day in (insert silent scream here), but we made it.  We survived.  No one died, or was maimed, or has any scars to show for it.  Was it good times?  Certainly not ideal, we missed our Rocket Scientist a lot, and there were some tense moments, some moments where I screamed to the universe that I could not in fact do this, but we also had good times, with friends, on our own, and I hope we are stronger for it.  I’m certainly not looking forward to the idea of him going back in two weeks, in large part because I don’t want to see Doodle’s face when we tell him.  In many ways, I’m dreading the longer stints in September less, Doodle will be in nursery in the afternoons giving everyone a much needed break routine, and we’ll likely have trips to Chicago to look forward to.  And by looking forward to, I don’t necessarily mean the international flight with two children but it will certainly be an adventure.  And honestly? I do like to know that I can do these things by myself.  I don’t want to do them by myself, just know that I can.  I mean it’s certainly no feat to watch Doctor Who by myself, but I just don’t enjoy it as much without him.

Letters to RS – 3

Dearest Love,

Between emails and facebook and skype, by the time I get to this, I have no idea what I’ve said and haven’t said.  But I’ll just try to make note of the salient points of the day…for posterity’s sake? And I’ll try to do it at not 10:30 as my primary goal is hurry up and sleep at this point.

Mumsy left today.  That was hard, it made this all very real.  And looking at a calendar was bad.  We’ve still 4 weeks to go, less a day.  Right now, that day doesn’t make enough of a difference.

I hate neighborhood cats and I hate the ice cream truck.  Just sayin’.

I was trying to explain to Doodle that it’s okay to be sad when we got home from the airport, telling that I was sad, too because Grammie is my Mummy and I miss her when she’s not here and how when we’re sad it’s nice to get hugs and cuddles from people around us who love us so we can feel better.  He turned around and said, “Can I give you a cuddle, Mummy? Does that make you feel better?”.  And then he let me give him a cuddle, too.  I am happy he was able to take comfort this time.

ZuZu is fearless.  Did not matter how many times she slipped in the bath or took great mouthfuls of water, she still kept trying to crawl up the back of the tub and kept a big cheesy grin through it all.  Good grief! What are we going to do once she’s running?

I am really looking forward to Blenheim Palace tomorrow.  I wanted to do this last year but I was in a wheelchair and I think I wasn’t sure how your parents would do.  Once the kids are older, I’ll want to do something more Christ centered but this year won’t really have any meaning either way, it’ll just be a fun day out.  I even got some extra eggs and a decorating kit for Doodle since he seems to be enjoying art and projects these days.

But I must get some sleep tonight. More than mead.

Love, me

Letters to RS – 2

Dearest Love,

This will be easier when I don’t have someone to talk to after the kids go down.  Not because I say it to Mumsy, I don’t, I have all manner of thoughts in my head, I just have trouble focusing with someone else in the room and by the time I get upstairs, I’m wiped and just want to go to sleep.

But my thought for the evening: Doodle has had someone to wake up downstairs for almost a month now.  While I’m looking forward to getting my house back, I’m feeling bad for the little man that he’s going to have to downgrade to only attention from me for a while.  My dear sweet boy.  Will I be enough for him?  Even for this short time?  It’s after midnight, time to sleep.

Love, me